ramblings

I've had a lot on my mind lately. It's really not my style to express my feelings publicly, but there's always a first time for everything. Throughout this process many people have called me brave. I feel so embarrassed when people say this because I don't necessarily feel brave. Many people have asked me if I am scared to do this. Scared...hmmm...well not at first...probably the adrenaline of the whole situation. In the past week or two I have had quite a range of emotions. I have felt something that I don't normally feel about anything...terrified. So there...I said it...I am terrified. Don't get me wrong...I'm also excited beyond belief...and terrified all at the same time. There are moments where I think to myself, "What the HELL am I doing?" I am signing up to be someone's MOTHER!!!! That is big...huge...profound. Am I really cut out for this? Do I want to be cut out for this? I am used to my very safe life...I get to make decisions for me and only me...okay Beau too, but he's not that picky(he's a dog...he loves me no matter what!). My mind is filled with all of the "what ifs" lately. Maybe my what ifs are quite irrational, but I still think them in my moments of panic. What if I figure out that this isn't for me after she is already here? What if it really is too much for me to handle all by myself? What if I die and my little girl has to live her life without me? What if something happens to her and my heart breaks and I can't go on? Yes...I think that is just it...I'm terrified of loving someone that much. I can feel it happening already. I love this baby.