I have been reading a few different Korean adoptee blogs lately trying to glean some information from an adoptee's point of view about adoption. After reading I felt/feel quite perplexed. I think some of these blogs make some very valid points.
Okay, so am I messing up this child's life by adopting her? I can't change the politics of China. There are kids in orphanages. I happen to deperately want a child. Seems like a win win situation, right? Sometimes I'm not so sure. Johnny wrote a most interesting post today called Guilt Free which caused me to ask myself the question, "Am I guilt free?". I tend to feel guilt very easily. I can list many reasons why I could feel guilty, these things pop up in my mind a million times a day. There are a bunch of things Eliza will be denied by being adopted and specifically adopted by me. Eliza won't have the Chinese culture, language, birth family. As if that wasn't enough, I am single, so Eliza won't have a daddy. I am not rich, so I she won't have every single material thing she wants. Does the good outweigh the bad? I have to say yes. I have to make a conscious decision to not feel guilty. It is true that Eliza won't have the many positive things that come with being raised in China, but she also won't experience the negatives. Eliza gets to have a family. Everyone should have family, and sorry, but an orphanage is not family. She will have me. I will love her unconditionally. She will be mine and I will be hers, we will be family. She will have all of what she needs and most of what she wants. The list could go on.
I was talking to one of my best friends about this the other day when I had an epiphany. I want to make everything perfect for Eliza. I don't want her to ever be sad or hurt. I don't want things to be hard for her. Fortunately I can't make things perfect. No one has a perfect life. Isn't this what makes people/life interesting? I think most people can think of a list of things they wish were different in their own life. I know I can. I wish my dad didn't die when I was little. I wish I lived closer to my extended family. I wish I had more money. I wish I weighed 40 lbs. less, etc., etc., etc. Do I really wish things in my life were different? Maybe, but maybe not. I'm really happy and content. So, I've had some difficult things happen in my life. These things have definitely had an impact on me, but they are not utimately who I am. I guess my point is that someday Eliza may wish things were different, but this will be her life. All of this will be Eliza's story. As imperfect as it may be, isn't it exciting?! I believe that she will become someone really great! How can I feel guilty?
- Eliza2006
- I have hoped to be a mother for as long as I can remember. My daughter was placed in my arms on November 12, 2006 in Hohhot, China. Then, a little over 2 years later, right in my own state, my darling baby boy was placed in my arms. Dreams really do come true!!!
10 comments:
Well said TIffany!
Wow, thanks Tiff! I found myself sitting here nodding in agreement while reading this! You've hit the nail on the head! I really appreciate your insight on something that is probably a source of a lot of thought and reflection. And after visiting the orphanages in China, there is NO reason for you to feel guilty about giving Eliza everything that you will. You will be great!
Great post, Tiffany.
Don't feel guilty. What you are doing is a good thing and you will be a blessing to your daughter.
I teach with a young woman who is a Korean adoptee. She loves her family and seems to be a well-adjusted person. I've worked with her for several years, and we've talked about her adoption experience. She says she doesn't yet have any longing for her Korean heritage. She says she just feels blessed that her life turned out the way it did.
I take a lot of hope from her experience.
Exactly...I like the way you put it-- choosing not to feel guilt. This has been on my mind lately too. Thanks for putting it down.
Shannon
Perfectly said! This has been on my mind often as well. Whew! I feel better. Thank you :0)
Very nicely put! And remember...how many people that AREN'T adopted have issues with how they were raised or the family they came from! Like you said, it will all be part of her story and her life. You will be a very loving mother and have a lot of wisdom to pass on.
(I hope my post made sense)
These are all normal thoughts- especially being a parent. You want to create a perfect life- but, what is perfection really. It's all relative- and seems to always be what someone else has if we aren't too careful!! Eliza and you will be better for this and it will be a great adventure.
Well said Tiffany!!! These are the same "guilts" that I have (as you know).... You will be an amazing mother with limitless love..... I think that this unconditional love is really what is most important!!!!
Lisa
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