Monday, December 31, 2007
I'm so sick and tired of it being my job to cure the curiosity of people in stores. The other day at the museum a random lady practically jumped out of her seat and exclaimed, "Is she yours?". I just said yes, and walked away before the stream of questions started. Then, today at the grocery store a girl started asking, "So, um, does she look like her father, or, um is she....". Yes, she's adopted and I'm sure she does look like her biological father, but I haven't met him so I can't quite answer that question. Don't get me wrong. I love that our family was formed through adoption, I just don't want to feel compelled to answer every question from every person everywhere we go. Sometimes I wish everyone would just let us be anonymous...not for my sake, but for Eliza's. Eliza understands everything and just stood there looking at the girl at the grocery store. I am sensitive...she's my kid. I'm the parent and it's my job to set boundaries not only for my daughter, but for everyone else as well. I just wish I knew what the boundaries should be. Sometimes I want to say "that is personal family information" and leave it at that and other times I want to say "Yes!!! She is adopted. Isn't it wonderful!!!". It's a hard one for me. I don't want to be rude. I know that most people are well-meaning. I also don't want to make Eliza feel uncomfortable. It's just that kids want to blend...heck, I want to blend. Yes, our family is different, but does it have to be a constant topic of conversation? I realize that this is hard for some people to understand, but sometimes a girl just wants to go to the store and buy groceries without chatting about family history. Is it too much to ask?
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28 comments:
Your post reminds me of an older, rather nasty woman that I ran into at a store shortly after my daughter came home from India.
She came up to me and DEMANDED- "Is her father one of those Arab, Indian, Muslim men?"
I looked her square in the face and said as nicely as I could, "I don't know, I've never met him."
I left her with her mouth hanging open as I continued on my way.
I was lucky that it happened just a month or so after my daughter came home (age 17 months) so she didn't quite understand English yet- but overall- that is the rudest comment directed at me that has happened.
I've not had a lot of folks coming up to me and asking if Pipsqueak is adopted, etc... Maybe I give off a "back off" vibe or something, I don't know.
Now that the Pipsqueak is 7- we don't have nearly as many stares- though if we are out someplace and folks keep staring (such as a restaraunt) I've taught her to politely ask "Why are you staring at me?"
THis jolts most folks out of their staring- and we've gotten answers that range from stammering to an older couple that said Pipsqueak was about the same age as their granddaughter (who lived out of state) and they were just enjoying watching her. :)
Good luck on handling this stuff as your Eliza gets older- hopefully, it will start to wane as she gets older.
Parents of multiples and interacial adoptees invariably complain about this at one point or another. I never understood it, living with rose colored glasses like I do :) Your kid is different, shes friggin adorable, shes a ray of sunshine. I know you didnt just say oops one morning and there she was. I wonder about your story. I donate quite a bit of money to assist families in third world countries and one of the places I send money to is China care. If I see a chinese child in the mall I wonder if Ive seen them on their web site too.
That said, I have also been educated. I was outside a restaurant recently waiting for hubby to come out. A mother came out with a 3 year old Asian boy who had clearly had enough sitting still. (Daddy was inside paying too) I deliberatly didnt mention race or adoption and instead talked about how my son was the same way at that age. You could almost see the releif on their faces. I guess I dont always have to understand. :)
I feel the same. The worst is when they don't ask, but stare you down with a knowing look.
It's interesting now that we have Bennett, because I'm often asked if they are twins. "Well, one of them is TWO and one of them is FOUR, so... no..."
Lala is adorable and I am sure this is one of the reasons why people gaze at her frickin' cuteness! Besides being so cute, her inner persona shines. I know I drool over her when I spend time with her. I have no other comment on what to do... you always make the right choices for you and your sweet little family.
Hugs
Lisa aka one of Lala's adoring fans.
I KNOW KNOW KNOW this is not the same thing....but I too wish I could go into a store without being bombarded with questions and jaw drops at how could that many red-heads be all together!? That sure is RED hair! Was your hair THAT red when you were younger? Is the blonde one yours? Where did they GET that red hair?
I could go on and on. Its hard because they mean well and its not rude stuff. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to be noticed, or for my kids to be noticed for something that I personally had a complex about when I was little. AND I don't want my blonde to feel left out, which I really am constantly asked if she's mine in FRONT of her.
Whew. Thanks for letting me vent!
Hi Tiffany! Just stopping by after a long hiatus. You struck a nerve here. I have been asked "Isn't it sad how those people drown their babies in the river?","Where did you GET her?" (answer: Do you mean, where was my daughter born? ) "Why didn't you adopt one from HERE?" (answer:That's a great choice...have you done that?), "Do you have any of your OWN?" (answer: Yes, five. She is our fifth), Does she speak english?" (answer: ummm, yes), "Can I hold her?" (by a weird man in the Chicago airport whom I have never met! answer: no) I, like you, want to see myself as a warm, open, non-sarcastic, friendly person, and I also want to model appropriate responses for our daughter. I don't want her to grow up with a chip on her shoulder, and I don't want her to be afraid to stand up for what is right. I usually respond with "Why do you ask?" Sometimes I "vaporize" people by simply walking past them, & sometimes I feel tears well up in my eyes (hate that!) I don't know what to say, but I do believe that we can make a difference by showing what a blessing it is to have these girls. Your experiences are so much like mine---it must be universal.
Tiffany,
I've been a longtime lurker (I originally found your blog on RumorQueen ~ I think) but have never commented. I just had to comment on this post as I too have felt my back stiffen when complete strangers finally quit staring at our family by asking, "Excuse me for asking, but is your daughter..." I haven't found the perfect response yet either, but if I ever do I'll share it with you. You expressed this frustration so well! Chin up in knowing that many of us share your feelings!
Kristi
Kylie's mommy
Before we adopted Jack I honestly got stopped 99% of the time I went anywhere with Amelia. People were very nice and it didn't bother me, but Amelia was also just over 2 when we adopted Jack (so she was still really young). I don't get near as much attention now, I think people probably think I am just a harried single Mom (I don't wear a wedding ring) with biracial children.
Maybe when you get #2 it will slow down? Eliza is a beauty though, so I am sure she draws a lot of attention just for that reason.
Tracy
OH yea, I do get asked ALL the time "are they really brother and sister". I just look the person strait in the eyes and say "Yes, they are....she is from China and he is from Vietnam" and leave them trying to figure it out.
I guess I don't mind the adopted question because it's obvious and no one has ever said "are you her real mother"....although the adoption question is implying I am not. Anyway, I swear to you so many people are morons you have to take pitty on them.....I have been asked more times than I cound about them being "real" brother and sister AFTER I tell them they are adopted from different countries.....come on people....think about it.
Anyway, I can see how it would bother you since that does get to me a little bit
Tracy
Hi sweetie, I hear you. We don't go anywhere without questions -- not even to public restrooms. And the girls are just getting to where they understand. Most people surprise me by asking nice or sensitive things (but my shoulders are always tensed in anticipation just in case). And I hate to say this but on bad days I avoid making eye contact -- if I don't look at folks they seem to avoid asking questions.
The question that makes me so furious is "how much did she cost?" which I have gotten several times. And they say it just like that IN FRONT OF EMMA! If I hear that, no matter how pleasant the conversation up to that point, I just take Emma by the hand and walk away. My inclination is to start yelling at them, but I need to be a good example to Emma on how to deal with rude people.
The one good thing is that the questions and curiosity tend to wane as your child gets older. I think people are just fascinated by babies, especially cute ones!
Wow, so many people encounter this every day. It's interesting to read your comments. My main goal is to make sure Em isn't hurt by the rudeness (mostly unintentional) of strangers or even relatives. My other goal is to try and model a response with respect for Em's sake even though the question is rude. So many people tell me that they know someone with a child, grandchild, etc. who looks just like Em. I ask where were born and they say oh, they think they are from Cambodia or Laos or somewhere over there! I hate the "they just all look alike to me" phrase as well. When they ask if she was adopted I usually tell them with a smile "yes but that we are wondering whether or not to tell her that?" Most people ask if we are the grandparents. Ouch!!
Hang in there Tiffany! I'm sure it can be difficult sometimes. Thanks for writing this post for all us moms-in-waiting on the S-L-O-W boat to China - something for us to think about before our own daughters come home! You are an awesome mom and Eliza knows that, regardless of your mood when answering stranger's intrusive questions...
Happy New Year - here's to fewer questions and stares in 2008!
What a heartfelt post. Thank you for talking about this and inviting responses.
My new answer to the is she adopted question is, No she was.
She is Lily part of oour family and I hate it all too. What business is it of anyone else? Don't get me started.
Stupid is as Stupid does!!! asking rude questions I mean. when I see a family with a beautiful little one(& I think all little ones are beautiful) i would never think to say something rude.. If I say anything it will be about how cute the child is , or something that relates to my grandchildren. I don't know how I will react if someone says something stupid about laun!!!...Linda
I can't believe I did not spell Lauren's name right above...Donna will Kill Me!! Linda
Having 25 foster kids, all of a different race, I got this all the time. No foster child wants to hear that they are in foster care. I always claimed them as mine, but it was always another whole set of questions after that. It annoyed the crap out of me. Now having Weston and my Vietnamese neighbor Thui (same age as W) with me, I get it all the time. I haven't found a delicate way to handle these questions. I try to be nice, but sometimes people are just so curious to the point of being rude. I agree with M3, I usually do not make any eye contact and it doesn't leave a door open for conversation. Sad, but true.
Your comments remind me about another comment you made to me when we talked about being single moms and how to handle people who ask "were is her dad "(which I have heard other kids ask Liza when we're hanging out). You said- "it all looked good on paper." Not that you would trade Eliza for anything in the world- as I know you wouldn't -but- it's one thing to think about it and another thing to deal with it on a day to day basis. It's obvious how annoying it could get. I am annoyed just reading the comments of what folks have had to deal with. My first response would be to tell them off but then wait- oh shoot- there is that whole modeling thing (and a little one that is learning/listening to your every move)- so much to learn.
You are a great mom and also a poised individual with good wit.....I think you're doing a great job dealing with this in the best way possible (irriration and all- we at least will have each other to vent to). Our other options? Write a book (100 stupid questions people ask about IA kids) or perhaps make some T'shirts ("Yes - she is my daughter).
LOL.
Leanne
I am sorry! Today someone asked if I knew that Maylin looked just like London Tipton from the Suite Life of Zac and Cody. I laughed hard at that one. Yes, she does I said. They are both Asian. It would be nice if everyone knew the right thing to say. Hopefully one day they will learn.
We are LID 6/2/06 and still waiting. I think that people notice Eliza because she is beautiful. I am guilty of sneaking glances at Chinese children because I wonder what our daughter will look like. I would never think of bothering someone as I know the child is listening.
This is good that you bring this subject up so everyone can think about it.
You just learn where to draw the line and the great part is, when someone steps over it, you know that too. I went for too long not knowing where the line should be drawn, feeling obligated to be happy walking billboard for IA. Whenever I launched a zinger, it never felt that good because the target usually failed to understand that they had just been hit, i.e., is her father Chinese? I don't know, the lights were out. If someone pushes, I try to forgive the lack of IA sensitive vocabulary but I cut them off fast and ask them if they are interested in IA and if so, here is my business card, please call me anytime to discuss questions about the adoption process, if not, any other information about how I chose to build my family is a private matter. Get the chance to say it a few times and it just comes out so nice and smooth and easy; makes me feel protective but not dismissive if there is a genuine interest in adoption.
But you're right, rude and intrusive questions come with the territory. But now, with four daughters, three roughly the same size, I think people leave me alone when we're out and about because they assume I'm just playdate mom. At least that would explain the expressions of surprise and bewilderment when I say, "nope, they're all mine."
Love ya'll!
As Mali has grown older, I notice fewer people asking us questions. I'm not sure why, but it's a relief. Maybe it's easier for people to be nosy when they don't think the child can understand (??)
I've never had anyone ask anything extremely rude, but did get sick of hearing, "Is she yours?" or "Is her father Chinese?." To both questions, I simply aswered "Yes" & left it at that.
I agree that most people are well-meaning, but it's hard to know where to draw the line. I try not to get frustrated or annoyed when people ask questions - most often that's easier said than done. Mali picks up on EVERYTHING & I worry that becoming frustrated may give her the wrong idea. I'd never want her to think that the way our family was created was anything less than wonderful.
I shared a post a few months ago about this subject and it still is very frequently on my mind. Even though I probably don't get as many questions as you do, because Kaiya could pass as our biological child, I know what it feels like to not want the subject ALWAYS coming up, especially in front of your child! Adoption is such a truly amazing and great thing, but sometimes I wish it wasn't such the focus! I would love to talk to you sometime about how you currently address the subject with Eliza and what your plans are for the future in explaining things. I am always interested in hearing about what other people do and say to make their children understand their situation better. The thing that baffles me constantly is why on earth some people feel it's their business to ask really personal questions when they have never met you!! I'm glad you shared this because I think so many of us can relate!
When I see parents with children of another race, I just assume they are adopted and leave it at that. Why in the world do people feel the need to ask questions? Why do they care? I'm a very "live and let live" type of person and don't get why others can't just do the same.
This is something that is going to drive me crazy when we have Lauren. I like to be anonymous, but it seems that's probably not going to happen. It's just a shame that when you don't fit the "norm" you have to contend with stares and questions.
To answer your question, NO it's not too much to ask to be left alone to go about your business!
Donna
Great post! I am a single caucasian woman adopting an African American baby girl, and I get asked questions ALL the time. Usually it's nothing too rude, but it still flusters me, because I like to be polite to people but I don't want to have to explain my family to strangers everywhere we go.
PS: Your little girl is adorable, and I love your blog! I'd love to share my blog about my daughter Elizabeth with you. If you'd like to check it out, feel free to email me, and I'll send you an invite.
Ok Tiff
so I can kind of relate to this topic, not because my kids are adopted, but because #1 people see my last name and have a comment or two about that, #2 yes, my kids LOOK LIKE THEIR DAD more than me. It does get annoying and old sometimes.
I feel for you (and ELiza), cuz like you said people mean well, but it doesn't always come across that way.
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