This post is in response to Johnny's post on single parenting. Initially I wasn't going to write this because I didn't feel like putting the mental energy into, but since these issues are always swirling around in my head, I figured, why not?
Having two caring, loving, involved, committed, unified parents is an ideal situation to raise a child. No doubt about it. There are two parts to the equation, the two parent part and the caring, loving, committed, unified part. I know people raising kids in an ideal situation and I admire them and even envy them a bit (okay, a lot). I also know many people who are raising kids in a less than ideal situation where there is divorce, constant arguing, division amongst family members with two parents. The fact is, not everyone has ideal. Having 2 parents doesn't make for an ideal family any more or less than having 1 parent makes for an ideal family.
There is certain risk in raising a child as a single person. What if something happened to me? There is not another spouse to fill in. What if I lost my job or became sick? I have no one else to rely on. Like everything else, I do what I can do. As of last week, I have a life insurance policy and disability insurance. Man, I feel like such an adult. All joking aside, details like this worry me. I hope Eliza never has deal with these issues. Another risk of single parenting is the sheer exhaustion that comes with the 24/7 job. Again, having 2 parents doesn't always change this. I have to be really careful about making sure I get down time even if it's minimal.
Lately, I've been focusing on what I can do to build a solid family and stable childhood for Eliza. She doesn't have a dad at this point. I have chosen to not feel guilty about this. We are a happy family. There is love and stability in this house. I am committed to providing Eliza with a happy childhood where there is not confusion or constant fighting, where there are boundaries, and clear consequences for choosing right or wrong. I am also committed to having a unified family filled with love. I think this is accomplished by having routine and strong family traditions. I think it is so important for kids to be able to predict what will happen from day to day as well as holidays and special occasions. M-F we wake up, watch a little TV, have breakfast, get ready for work and school, go to work and school, come home, relax for a bit, take Beau on a walk, have family dinner, take a bath, get jammies on, brush teeth, get in bed, read a book, say family prayer, lights out. Eliza is thriving and happy. I am happy. I have a long, ongoing list of traditions I want our family to have. I'll include my list at the end of this post.
I guess what I am trying to say in this long-winded rambling is that there is an ideal family. Like most families, we aren't an ideal, traditional family. Nevertheless, we are family. Eliza is happy. I think I am doing a good job. I am raising a strong, confident, compassionate kid who knows right from wrong. I am not perfect, but I sure try to do what is best. I hope through my example, Eliza will learn that happiness can be achieved without perfection.
Family Traditions
Ongoing
Family Home Evening - Mondays
Pizza/bubble bath - Fridays
Grandma Gail's house - First Sunday of the month
September
State Fair
Pick apples - apple pie, etc.
Dinner in the mountains
October
Rake leaves and play
Pumpkin patch/Carving pumpkins
Conference - pumpkin French toast
Gardner Village Horse carriage ride/petting zoo/witches
Halloween- Chili, hot cider - trick-or-treat w/family
November
Caramel apples
Family Day celebration- Yearly family pictures (to use with Christmas cards)
Thanksgiving with family
Cut or buy Christmas tree day after Thanksgiving
Decorate house/tree Saturday - Thanksgiving left-overs, hot chocolate, donuts, Christmas music
December
Homemade cookies/candy for neighbors
Gingerbread house
Christmas eve with family
P.J.s and a new book Christmas eve
Christmas day at home
Breakfast casserole
January
New Year’s eve dinner (Chinese)
Find warm weather for MLK weekend?
February
Find warm weather for President’s day weekend (Vegas?)
Eliza’s b-day
March
April
Easter (week long break) Disney?
May
Memorial Day (BBQ)
June
End of school!
Mommy’s b-day
Family Summer vacation
July
4th of July (stadium of fire)
24th of July (rodeo?)
August
School shopping
Beginning of school party
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22 comments:
Hi...thought I'd respond as well...I also have life and disability insurance...mom with stage 4 cancer now...dad 76 (grandpa)...they are my backups and a cousin of mine as well, and a very reliable babysitter...and we also have family traditions....once a month on Sundays Isabelle sees her grandparents as well...
When I need downtime I call the sitter for an hour or two as well (a 16 year old who lives up the street)...though saving money in the economy...
robin and isabelle
I grew up in a single parent household-and it was HARD on my mom-but she was also in her early 20's when she had us and never intended to be a single parent....I really think it makes a big difference. You were prepared (as any of us can be) for what you were taking on and from the looks of your site you are doing a great job.
I actually admire parents like you (single) way more than parents like me (married). I KNOW your job is harder because being a mother is hard when you have a spouse to help out. I would be pulling my hair out if it was just me. Kids wear you out!!
I love your family traditions and you are obviously in love with your daughter-which is what really matters in the end-married or single.
Thanks for posting this. I don't doubt that all of us who chose to become single parents thought about it long and hard. I especially questioned if I was being selfish, 'depriving' my future child of the possibility of a father. The truth is of course that if I didn't adopt her she would probably never have left the orphanage. But still I feel guilty: especially when she calls her friend's dad 'daddy' or says 'no daddy' to me.
There are no guarantees in life. No guarantee I will always be single. No guarantee a marriage will last. I would love to be sharing the joy of raising Hannah with a husband/partner. But I'm not.
But I love my daughter fiercly. She is absolutely my priority every single day. I will do everything I can to help her grow up to be a good, strong, kind and compassionate person.
Like you we may not be 'the' ideal family. But we are 'an' ideal family.
Great post! These are the things I think about all the time.
Anne
Eliza is a lucky girl and you are a lucky momma. The perfect family for you!
I really must say, I am glad you decided to respond..
For those who read these comments, I have seem Liza and momma in real life action... there really is love and amazing parenting going on.
Right on with the stablity and love factor emphasis. Love your traditions... hope perfect Tate and myself can be part of some of THAT action.
Thanks for this great post, Tiffany. I admire your family very much and am so happy that you and Eliza are mom and daughter. You are an incredible mother.
This was a great post! I am logged in 9/4/06 to be a single mom to my daughter from China. I hope that I can be as good a mom as you are. I love this list of traditions.
It's letting me comment now. Just wanted to say you are an amazing mom and she is so lucky to have you as a parent!
Glad you posted. I have to say - I have seen many, many two parent families who don't do it nearly as well as you do....not even close. Eliza is loved, happy, in a stable home with the most amazing mommy who cares about her.
I was raised in a single parent household - with a dad in town but not in the picture while growing up (we're close now). Hands down- I would not be where I am today without my single mom teaching me the lessons of life, how to stand up for myself, etc. Just because there is a dad doesn't mean he's going to be good, actively involved, helpful, supportive.
You are raising Eliza with strong values (Christian values :) and I know- someday - she'll understand how important it was for you to be a mommy, single or not! In fact - I insist that you must have more kids- you're so good at it.
It's easy for others to make statements/judgements who are not faced with the same issues (do I single parent or decide to not to be a mom- just because I am not married/haven't found "the one.")
All I can say after your post is "Amen sister!"
And- I love the traditions! I am hoping to start a few of my own at some point.
Great post...you were speaking for a lot of us!
Tiffany,
I can honestly say, I ADMIRE, APPLAUD and RESPECT single moms. I just had dd by myself for only 10 days while DH and DS were in Canada and I was exhausted with being alone and being sole provider for her. Great job single moms!
Mendy
I think its wonderful there are so many different types of families out there. All that matters is that in the end you are Family and love each other (which you do) everything else will fall into place with a little TLC.
Keep up the good work Mama !
A happy family with lots & lots of love IS ideal. And no doubt about it, Eliza is happy. I'm sure she asks questions (I answer about 8,000 questions every day) because she's curious, but it sounds like you have solid answers for Eliza. She is a doll & absolutely loved. I wish you didn't even worry about this stuff. Eliza's cup runneth over too!!!
What a great post. My hat is off to you and all single parents. I have ONE child, a husband and a wonderful support network (headed by our amazing nanny) and its still HARD, DIFFICULT, CHALLENGING and THRILLING... can't imagine how it would be doing it alone.
Love the traditions post. I'm big on traditions, too - you just inspired me to list them out for our family :)
I say you give her love, values, gospel, support, knowledge, concern, guidance...well I could go on and on. I say what more could you ask for! We love you two!!
You are an ideal family. Simply put, I recently heard someone state the "best family is a two parent loving family".
I couldn't disagree more. The best family is a LOVING family. Nothing more is needed. It only takes two to make a family, any more is icing on the cake!
Love endures all no matter what the size of your crew!
When a child is loved, it is an ideal family ~ Eliza is clearly part of an ideal family
!
I have simply come to realize recently how much harder single parents have to work as my husband is working in another city and my little one and I are at home packing up the house. My hat goes off to you and all the others who never tire out on your own!
I really admire you and think you ARE an amazing mom, doing an incredible job. Better than many families with 2 parents! Eliza is one lucky girl.
And I love your traditions. I may need to steal a few!
You got it!!
Look at how many comments you have generated! What a subject! You are so on the mark. Even those of us with two parent families have imperfect situations. I look at you and am envious that all of your spare attention can go into these wonderful memories and I feel streched from such a big family. I wish I could give more one on one attention.
You are doing great!
You are doing great as a parent single or not. Eliza is fantastic and happy. You have tons of time to spend with her. Don't feel bad about any of it.
I grew up poor with a dad that went from job to job and a mom putting herself through college. They were there- but busy. It was the family time I remember. You ARE providing the best any child could hope for!
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