Saturday, August 09, 2008
My Own Daddy
Various conversations have been leading up to this one for the last month or so. Yesterday Eliza told me she wants her "own daddy". I must admit that I am definitely muddling my way through these conversations. They are very difficult for me. She isn't sad when she asks, just matter of fact. The questions usually stem from seeing a dad on T.V. or if we are going to visit a family and we talk about their dad. This is really, really hard for me because I wish she had a dad, but that's not our reality. I've decided that it isn't my job to be sad or happy or anything about these questions. It is my job to answer them to the best of my ability and give her the freedom to talk about her feelings anytime and anywhere. I feel like I need to keep the doors of communication open so Eliza can determine her own feelings. She may be sad someday or she may not, but I'm committed to talking about it with her even though it's hard for me. I don't know if I did a good job or not. We talked about who is included in our family...mommy, Eliza and Beau Beau, but not a daddy. She asked why. I told her that mommy isn't married so there isn't a daddy in our family. I told her I wished we had a daddy too and maybe someday we will (which may be near impossible since I haven't been on a date for at least 2 years). We were then on to her next topic. I wish there were some sort of manual so I knew just what to say and do. Since there isn't I will continue to muddle and always be truthful.
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17 comments:
I empathize with you so much.
Emma has always been way more hung up on not having a dad than she is about being adopted. She really wanted to talk about it a lot when she was 3-4 years old. But she seems to have come to terms with the idea that there are all different kinds of families and ours doesn't include a daddy.
It is heartbreaking, though. It sounds like you're handling it well.
Muddling right with you . . . certainly funny how similar our posts were t'nite =)
Mali talks about wanting a Daddy like she talks about wanting her own horse, a big bike, her own playground, and her own swimming pool - without much emotion. Since she has never known a Daddy, she has no idea what its like to have one. It does make me want (for her) sometimes - but (like you) I try not to let my feelings/emotions take precedence. Open communication is def a good approach.
I think our amazing girls are proof that we're doing a pretty darn good job!
It's a hard one that I haven't had to deal with yet, though Tess likes to talk about daddies. Wish I had an answer but yours sounded pretty darn good.
Oh man, not looking forward to those conversations. Sounds like you're handling it well.
L.
Yep, I have some wonderful people, such as you, walking the path before me so I can learn from your experiences in this department.
Thanks for bringing up an important topic! I'm sure I'll be having these conversations with Elizabeth in the not too distant future, too.
Anne
I hear ya and am so dreading that time. I already feel guilty enough that she doesn't have a Daddy. Hoping I will say the right things when the time comes...
I look forward to these more difficult challenges in single parenting, and plan to muddle my way through right there with you- you are doing your best- and with the perfect mindset- keeping those lines of communication open.
I got you beat on no dates though- 3 years for me!!
GULP... "the dreaded" question. Good job in answering her and keeping the communication lines open.. I know it was hard.
Hugs
P.S. I smell a little baby powder- *snort*
For some reason my comment posted twice.... so I deleted the second one... just did not want you to think it was deleted as a "rude" comment.
I swear it smells like baby powder around here.
Tiffany,
I like the way you approach difficult things in life, with wisdom and optimism. I know I am not where you are and can't give advice but I believe Eliza is where she is supposed to be, with you. I also believe that there are a lot of deadbeat dads in the world (along with the really good ones). You and Eliza deserve the best!
That is tough. You have and will continue to handle such questions with grace and gentleness. I agree with you, the best thing is to answer her honestly. You are a great mom.
I admire your approach so much! It is so difficult to answer questions with truths that might cause our children pain. And I am happy for you, about the possible new house! So exciting.
Tiff,
You may not feel like it at the time, but I hope you always know that you have a really, really good head on your shoulders and talk to Eliza in a VERY healthy manner.
And, probably without knowing it, you are applying Eckhart Tolle's principles when it comes to your feelings on this topic. You acknowledged them, and then sort of said "OK, I need to set them on the shelf and not act as a result of my emotions or fears on this".
You are a strong woman and Eliza is a lucky little girl to have you as a mommy :-)
It sounds like you handled it like a pro! You are such an example to me and I admire you soo much!!
That is such a hard one and you are doing great!
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